anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
