Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
