I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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