oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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