A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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