I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
