I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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