My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
