You just made me feel so damn special
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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