Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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