you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
