i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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