i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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