I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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