And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
