I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
