The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
