Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
