Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
