I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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