i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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