kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
