Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
