I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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