u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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