Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
