We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
even my farts smell like vagina
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
