Will you blow on my dice?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
