what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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