I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We have so much sex to catch up on
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
