My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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