Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Is it penis luge time yet?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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