good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
