as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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