Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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