my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
