On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
