i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
