Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
so much tequila, so little girl.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
