there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
