Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
