Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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