Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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