Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
