I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
