That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I want her autograph on my taint
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
