Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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