So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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