Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
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im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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