I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
