New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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