At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
