Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
