The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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