It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you will always have a special place in my vag
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
