ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
