I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
