we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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