I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.