I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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