I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site