New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
